


a new planet to orbit

by restless5oul



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Motorsport RPF
Genre: Angst, Boys Kissing, Complicated Relationships, Happy Ending, M/M, Messy as hell, Pining, Rare Pairings, self-destructive behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 11:49:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13007163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/restless5oul/pseuds/restless5oul
Summary: this is so long and got so out of hand.i haven't really edited it because i just wanted it posted lmao.this is just the ultimate ode to one of mine and chesca's many ships.





	a new planet to orbit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DamsInDistress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DamsInDistress/gifts).



> this is so long and got so out of hand.
> 
> i haven't really edited it because i just wanted it posted lmao.
> 
> this is just the ultimate ode to one of mine and chesca's many ships.

“ _Ouch!_ ”

Jake pulled his foot out from underneath Lando’s, almost pitching forward when he looked down to see that his toes were in fact being crushed by his friend’s heel.

“What?” Lando said in a very loud stage-whisper. He wasn’t sure why he was bothering, they were alone in the lift after all, Antonio and Sergio having got out a few floors below.

Maybe it was because he was acutely aware that it was almost four in the morning in Macau and most of the guests in the hotel were asleep. Though he had obviously just remembered that because Ant and Jake had forcibly removed him and Sergio from a luggage cart, shouting at the top of their lungs, which they’d attempted to use as transportation across the hotel lobby. Jake was pretty gone himself, he was clinging onto Lando under the pretence that he was holding him up, but he was pretty sure that he’d fall over if he let go.

“You stood on my foot,” he grumbled, frowning at Lando who looked up at him grinning.

“Sorry,” he snorted, laughing behind the hand he placed over his mouth.

The lift doors opened and Jake tried to mentally prepare himself for making their way down the hallway. But mostly it just resulted in the two of them walking in a kind of zig-zag pattern, more tripping over each other than helping the other walk.

Jake just thanked his stars that he had enough wherewithal to remember which pocket he had put his room key in, and he managed to wiggle it out of his back pocket. With way more difficulty than the task warranted, he unlocked the door and practically pushed Lando in ahead of him, laughing hysterically in that way only drunk people did when he stumbled and had to use the wall to hold himself up.

His limbs felt heavy with tiredness and alcohol as he bent down to try to take off his shoes, but he managed to kick them off and shake off his jacket without passing out or falling over. Which he counted as a victory. When he straightened up again, the room spinning a little, he saw that Lando was still doubled over clutching the wall. Briefly he wondered whether he had gained the ability to fall asleep standing up, but he figured that it was more likely that he felt sick. The last thing Jake wanted was him vomiting on the carpets.

“You alright mate?” he asked, trying to disguise the slur in his voice, as he leant over his friend, placing a hand on his back. His touch seemed to kick his friend into action because Lando shot up, throwing his head back so it collided with Jake’s face.

The impact sent him stumbling backwards, probably more so than if he hadn’t drunk so much. But even through the alcohol, which dulled most of his senses, he could feel his mouth burning, and his eyes stung. Slowly he raised a hand to his mouth, but couldn’t feel an awful lot when he prodded around

“Fuck I’m sorry,” Lando apologised loudly, clutching the back of his head as he turned round, still using the wall to support himself. When he saw Jake his face paled visibly, “ _Oh my god_.”

“What? What?!” Jake asked panicked at the expression he saw on Lando’s face. He looked down at his hand and saw that it had come away from his mouth, wet and red with blood. Grimacing he touched his mouth again, and this time could feel the warm blood in his mouth and starting to run down his chin. He might have reacted more had he not been wasted, but all he could do was wipe at his bleeding lip and cough slightly when he felt something in his mouth. He spat into his hand, and in the dark puddle of blood he saw a tooth, stark white against the red.

“Your tooth!” Lando exclaimed, like Jake couldn’t see what had just fallen from his gums, “Sit down, I’ll get some tissue.”

Clumsily, Jake stumbled to the bed as he heard Lando rummaging around in the bathroom. Not really paying attention to the fact that he was getting blood all over the bedside table he put down his tooth, dimly remembering a poster he had read in his dentist that said you should save it if at all possible. Though he didn’t really see what good that would do.

He barely saw Lando reappear until he sat himself down next to him, a giant wad of toilet paper in his hand. He placed it to Jake’s chin, clearly trying to wipe the blood away, but the alcohol made him too heavy handed.

“ _Ow_ ,” Jake scowled, trying to push Lando’s hand away.

“Stop it, there’s blood everywhere,” he batted Jake’s hand away, who really hoped that he was overreacting. He supposed it was lucky that he was so drunk, because he bet it would have hurt a hell of a lot more if he’d been sober. He indulged Lando, letting him pat his chin and lips dry.

“Is it still bleeding?” he asked him, because if he was being honest he really couldn’t tell.

“I don’t know,” Lando frowned and leant in like he was trying to see inside his mouth, “Open your mouth.”

Not even registering how bizarre the request was, Jake obliged, letting Lando put his hand on his knee so he could stretch upwards and be at eye level with his face.

“Is it?” Jake asked again, though he was surprised Lando could even tell what he was saying when he tried to speak with his mouth still open.

“I don’t think so,” Lando shrugged, not moving away even when Jake closed his mouth. Not that either of them had much concept of personal space after the third drink, “Does it hurt?”

“A little, I don’t know, I can’t tell,” Jake raised his hand again to touch his mouth, but Lando snatched it away, holding it in his surprisingly tight grip.

“Don’t do that, you’ll just make it worse,” he chastised him, trying to look stern, which just made Jake laugh. When he did so the gap where his tooth had been not so long ago stung with fresh pain and he cringed a little.

“Okay maybe it hurts a bit,” he pouted.

“I could kiss it better?” Lando suggested casually, like he was offering to share a stick of gum with him. Jake’s eyebrows shot up, and he tried not to laugh, but in his current state, it was kind of a funny suggestion to him. Lando was rather close, and he still hadn’t let go of his hand or taken his hand off his leg, but he would never dream that meant something other than the fact that he didn’t know what he was doing. Maybe it didn’t. He was drunk after all.

“You could what?” Jake asked, making sure he hadn’t imagined it.

Lando chose to answer non-verbally, just moving in to press his lips to Jake’s, for just a few seconds. It was totally innocent, chaste even. But because it was Lando somehow it made Jake feel a little funny inside, kind of like he wanted to laugh again. Maybe he was more drunk that he thought.

“Was that okay?” Lando said, and Jake couldn’t tell whether he was talking about his kissing abilities, or the fact that he had kissed him at all. Not that he had an answer for either question. He looked at Lando, who was peering at him quizzically, like he was genuinely interested in his answer, and not at all like he had just kissed him.

“What do you mean?” Jake asked, rather stupidly. Lando just rolled his eyes impatiently and he leant in again.

This time it was more like what Jake would describe as a real kiss. Lasting twice as long, Lando dug his fingers into Jake’s leg and he leant in closer. Jake could barely respond before he pulled away again, too preoccupied by the revelation that Lando Norris had just succeeded in making him blush.

“What are you doing?” Jake asked, noticing how there was a smear of blood on Lando’s chin now.

“Kissing you,” Lando said, looking at Jake like he was a moron for having to ask. Which was probably true, it was fairly obvious after all.

“Yeah, but _why_?”

“I decided that I wanted to.”

It was such a typically Lando thing to say that it made Jake forget about his confusion and grin. Lando seemed to take this as encouragement because he leant in for a third time, using Jake’s hand to tug him closer. This time Jake was ready and actually responded.

It was a little weird if he thought too much about it, kissing Lando. But he had to admit that he was pretty good. It was obvious that he hadn’t done it much before, but he was as enthusiastic as anyone got. Jake decided that he rather liked the way he ran his hand up from his knee to his thigh, and sighed happily when he had cupped his face in his hands. It was easier if he didn’t overthink it too much, and just enjoyed the fact that Lando’s lip were as soft as he would have expected and that Lando really seemed to like the sound he made when he pushed him back onto the bed.

He wouldn’t remember much from that point onwards the next morning, just that it had gone on for some time, and the next morning Jake had woken up with a pounding headache, an aching mouth, and a drooling Lando sleeping on his chest. There had been a moment of pure awkwardness when their memories of the previous night came flooding back, but then the pain from Jake’s missing tooth really kicked in. And they were too preoccupied with taking him to the emergency room to think about what else had happened.

***

Jake would have been lying if he had said that he hadn’t thought about what happened a few times over the following months. It wasn’t as though he thought about it _all_ the time. Just whenever he saw Lando his first thought was always of swollen lips and curls that tangled themselves in his fingers way too easily. Sometimes he wondered what it had meant, but he usually settled on the simple explanation that it had just been a bit of drunken fun. And it was. But sometimes Jake was a little curious if it would be better if they were sober.

Lando didn’t seem to have such thoughts, or if he did, he was really very good at not letting them show. He knew he remembered, but perhaps he just wasn’t interested in that way. And there was a very simple way to find out that.

The fact that they would be sharing the grid that year made things easier too. Lando has less excuses to avoid him, and Jake found it relatively easy to corner him one evening at Silverstone.

“Hey,” he said, planting himself in the seat next to Lando, placing his own plate of dinner on the table beside his. Lando looked up from his phone, and seemed a little surprised to find that it was Jake who was sat there. Perhaps he had expected one of his teammates. He looked surprised, but not nervous or uncomfortable. Which relaxed Jake a little.

“Hi,” he looked a little uncertain as he locked his phone and put it away in his pocket, “How are things?”

It was a pretty stilted conversation starter. But Jake had learnt pretty quickly that this was just Lando’s in-season mode. At least fifty percent of his attention was always on the real task at hand, that was the maximum he could spare for other things. Jake smirked as he remembered Ferdinand asking him and Callum if he was always like that, or whether he was just in a bad mood. It did make him come off as a little cold and closed off. But Jake supposed that was how you won. There had to be something a little robotic about him if he was to uphold his reputation as some killer winning machine.

“Alright. Well, race went pretty shit today, but besides that,” he shrugged, shovelling a forkful of food into his mouth. He didn’t think he could be blamed, their Saturday had lasted a fairly long time, and he hadn’t eaten in hours. Plus, he was fairly sure Lando didn’t really care much about adequate table manners, “You?”

“Good,” he nodded, smiling ever so slightly, just the corners of his mouth tugging upwards.

“Just good?” Jake asked, raising an eyebrow. He might have expected a little more enthusiasm considering that he had just won the first race of the season.

“Yeah. _Just_ good,” Lando said, locking his phone as a string of notifications appeared on the screen, illuminating it.

There were a few seconds when Jake waited to see if Lando would make an effort to continue the conversation, but he seemed like he had gotten lost in his thoughts once again. He wondered what exactly it was that he thought about whenever he saw him sat alone, headphones on, shutting the rest of the world out. He supposed it was probably a complicated concoction of race strategies, replays of his testing runs and telemetry that he had no doubt memorised. He didn’t know if Lando actually had a photographic memory, but he wouldn’t have put it past him.

“I got my tooth fixed by the way,” Jake said, by way of steering the conversation in the direction he wanted it to go. Lando looked up at him from his plate, an odd look on his face. And Jake wondered whether he’d triggered the memories he had intended to.

“Oh?” Lando looked mildly interested, his gaze dropping to Jake’s mouth. He opened it so he could show him the permanent implant that his dentist had put in not so long ago. It was barely distinguishable from the rest of his teeth, and a damn sight better than the temporary crown they had given him at the hospital in Macau.

“See, good as new.”

“You can’t even tell I knocked it out.”

Jake laughed a little, but realised Lando was being entirely serious. He didn’t say anything else, so Jake presumed it was up to him to address the elephant in the room.

“Though that night wasn’t all bad, was it?” he asked, the only indication that he felt apprehensive was the teeth that bit down on his bottom lip. This time Lando’s eyes flashed a little, and his cheeks flushed pink, not enough that anyone other than Jake would notice.

“No I suppose it wasn’t.”

His words surprised Jake. He had largely been expecting either a denial that it had happened at all, or at least some insinuation that he regretted it more than anything else. Still, that didn’t necessarily mean that he wanted to do it again, or that he felt something significant about it all. Not that Jake wanted him to, that wasn’t why he was asking. He didn’t really know why he was asking, or what answer he was looking for.

This time though, Lando saved him from having to spur on their conversation.

“It was just a kiss though. Right?” he sounded uncertain, like he was looking for an answer from Jake. If anything Jake figured that he was trying to spare his own feelings, in case it was him that was looking for something more.

“Right,” he nodded, and watched as Lando visibly relaxed, which confirmed his suspicions. There was a little disappointment in the pit of his stomach. Because he really hadn’t minded kissing him at all. He liked Lando sure, but that didn’t mean he had to _like_ him. Even if he did, he would never pursue something knowing that Lando only wanted him as a friend.

“We’re just friends?” Lando asked, again speaking like he didn’t know the answer to his question.

“Just friends, yeah of course.”

He watched as Lando smiled, the first time he had since Jake had sat down. Perhaps it had been playing on his mind more than he had let on, but he looked happier now they had sorted that out, and he let Jake talk at him for the rest of their dinner. He even patted him on the shoulder when he got up to go to his room, which by Lando’s standards was positively affectionate. So Jake felt confident that he had done the right thing.

That confidence only deteriorated as time went on. His brief conversation with Lando may have put his worries to bed, but for Jake, he was as confused as ever. He had been sure in Silverstone that the only thing that might complicate matters was the fact that he wouldn’t say no to something casual with Lando. Maybe he didn’t know himself as well as he thought.

It was the fact that he couldn’t help but watch every time he entered the room, or say something just because he knew that it was one of the only ways to make him smile. And he knew it in the way he couldn’t stop his heartbeat from picking up each time Lando slung an arm around him when they shared a podium. It wasn’t so much a problem for him, realising that he had somehow developed a crush when he wasn’t paying attention. But he couldn’t help but think that it was slightly pathetic. It actually made things easier for him, knowing that all Lando wanted was to be friends. He didn’t have to worry about how he felt, or how to tell him. He didn’t have to do any of those things. He just had to wait for it to blow over.

But Lando wasn’t an easy person to stop caring about, Jake learnt. Maybe it was the fact that his personality was a bizarre mix of incredibly mature and surprisingly naïve. And that his mind always seemed elsewhere, even when he should have been celebrating. It made Jake want to get him, sit him down, and make him tell him everything until he learnt to smile again. On a few occasions he had to stop himself from wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him in for a hug. He knew that Lando was not the sort of person that would appreciate that without asking permission first.

Still, it was only a crush. Just a silly infatuation. He would get over it.

***

As much as he loved racing, and adored his job. By the time Spielberg came around Jake couldn’t help but be glad that the season was almost over. Luck hadn’t gone his way, and while he could be proud of the way he had driven, he just wished that the results that sat next to his name told even half the story.

But if he was bemoaning his own bad luck. That was nothing compared to the hand Lando got dealt in Austria. Jake fully expected to get out of his car to see Lando stood atop of the podium, finally, and inevitably, claiming his title as Formula 3 champion. But when he saw the replay of his collision with Ralf, he couldn’t help but wince. Especially when he saw that Maxi had somehow managed to come through to take fifth, meaning he stayed just within reach. Though there was little doubt in anyone’s mind that he would seal the title at Hockenheim, it had to sting to be so close and rip the win from your own hands.

Jake saw his teammate back in the team truck after the race and could tell that he felt bad about the shunt. Though really no one person was to blame.

“Chin up mate, it’s not your fault,” Jake patted him on the back as he walked past him, beginning to take off his own race suit.

“I know,” Ralf shrugged, though he still looked despondent, “I just feel bad. I mean, did you see Lando’s face?”

Jake had seen the footage of him sitting the gravel, head hanging down on his chest, and the disappointment was evident in every inch of his body. But he hadn’t actually seen him up close. Feeling the way he did, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to deal with that. Though a rather significant part of him was desperate to seek him out and make sure that he was okay. He was sure Lando had other, more important people to do that for him.

“I’ve never seen him look like that. Didn’t know he had that much emotion in him.”

Ralf’s words were accompanied by a small laugh. But Jake knew that he wasn’t joking. Usually each of Lando’s disappointments, and there weren’t many, were accompanied by a swift acceptance, and he moved on. Jake didn’t think he’d ever seen him truly upset about anything.

He would swear forever that he wasn’t looking for Lando when he walked through the paddock that evening, but he wasn’t disappointed that it turned out that way. Having been one of the last races of the weekend, by the time Jake was ready to leave most of the paddock had packed up and gone home. It was getting dark, and the chilly evening air was setting in. There were still a few people milling around, but it was quiet, so it was easy for Jake to pick up the sound of Lando’s voice as he spoke, presumably over the phone to someone.

“I _know_ ,” he was saying, and there was a hint of impatience in his mostly monotonous voice, “It was my fault. I know.”

Jake stopped in his tracks and looked left, in the direction of his voice, and saw Lando sat on the metal steps leading up to the Carlin team truck. He had his knees tucked up to his chest and his phone pressed to his ear. Even in the dimming light, he could see that he still had his race suit on, tied around his waist, though he had shoved on a dark blue fleece over the top of his fireproofs. Jake couldn’t see his face as he bowed his head, but he could make out his free hand tugging at the laces of his boots.

“Yeah, I suppose…I’ll see you then.”

Jake didn’t mean to stop and stare for so long, but when Lando pulled the phone away from his ear to hang up and looked up, he was still there. He barely reacted when he presumably realised that Jake had been eavesdropping, his face mostly blank, but there was something vacant and distant in his eyes, the determination and grit that he usually saw there all but gone.

“Hey, you doing okay?” Jake asked softly, unsure whether approaching was the right thing to do, but going ahead and doing it anyway. Lando didn’t show any signs that he wanted to be left alone, he didn’t really show any signs of anything at all.

It was then that Jake realised just how mad and upset at himself he was.

“I’ve been better,” he shrugged, pocketing the phone in his fleece. Jake contemplated crouching in front of him, so that they were eye level, but he didn’t want to come across as condescending. He settled for leaning his back against the truck opposite Carlin’s, and was saved from having to talk down to Lando when he stood up.

“You’ll get it next round, don’t worry about it,” Jake said, worried that what he was saying was coming off as flippant. But he also had a strong suspicion that Lando wasn’t listening to a word he was saying. This was a feeling that was all but confirmed when Lando approached, looking at a point somewhere on Jake’s forehead, rather than in his eyes. He was so busy watching his friend’s face, to see what he was really thinking, that he didn’t notice that he had stopped mere inches from him until Lando reached out to place his hands on Jake’s chest.

“ _Lando_ ,” his voice sounded like a warning, which was what the rational part of his mind wanted to do. To remind him that anyone could walk past, that he didn’t really want this, that he couldn’t possibly want this. He also wanted to tell himself that this was only going to make him feel ten times worse, despite what his heart was screaming for him to do.

“Don’t,” Lando said, and he shoved Jake’s chest lightly so that he hit the wall of the truck, the sound of his gasp mixing with the sound of flesh against metal.

And then his lips were on Jake’s and it was just like he remembered, better even. He wasn’t drunk this time, so he could feel every slight touch, every minimal move, the sensation so completely overwhelming to him that his mind felt foggy and his body like it was floating. He contemplated not responding, and that was certainly what his brain told his body to do. But he was in far too deep. He forgot all about the fact that they weren’t exactly hiding, that there was little privacy in the small space wedged between the two trucks. But he couldn’t think about that when he let Lando’s tongue lick past his lips and inside his mouth, clumsy and fervent all at once. Maybe Lando had his wits about him, because he seemed to realise that they were exposed. And tugging at Jake’s shirt, he led him inside the truck, shutting and locking the door behind him.

Jake wasn’t sure whether he opened his eyes at all in those brief seconds they were apart, or maybe he was stumbling around in such a haze that it felt that way. He didn’t even care about the needy way he whined when Lando kissed him again, or the fact that his lungs were surely about to burst, because he hadn’t been able to breathe properly for a few minutes. It was all a blur of Lando’s hips pressing against his thighs, the sharp bones of his pelvis digging into the softer muscle of Jake’s legs, of his hands roaming across his body, ten fingers running down his back until they gripped his bum.

He couldn’t exactly recall how Lando had kissed him in Macau, but he was sure it wasn’t like this. Lando had always seemed gentle to him, softer curves hidden by sharper edges. But it felt so good to have him in Jake’s arms that he barely noticed that none of it felt like it was really him. All he could focus on was trying to respond, his movements hurried, like they were rushed for time. And maybe they were, Lando didn’t seem to want to waste a second as he blindly led Jake to the tiny sofa bed, straddling him almost before he managed to sit down.

He barely reacted when Jake broke the kiss, turning his head to the side, firstly to catch his breath, and secondly to groan when Lando pressed their hips together, both of their groins colliding. Instead he just buried his face in Jake’s shoulder, his teeth grazing against his neck as he ground his hips again, searching for the right kind of pressure against the growing bulge beneath his race suit. It was all so frantic and desperate, and Jake definitely felt like he was going out of his mind, even if this wasn’t at all how he had imagined this going. He gripped at Lando’s hips, trying to change the angle so that his now aching cock got some relief, even through several layers of clothing.

He just let Lando rut against him, hands tugging at Jake’s hair, his breath coming in shorter gasps now. He didn’t seem to want to stop moving for a second, either because he wanted this to end as quickly as possible, or because he didn’t want his mind to catch up with what was happening and think about it too hard. And Jake indulged him, pulling him closer, letting him thrust his tongue into his mouth again, giving into him completely. And he would have done for as long as Lando needed, but he opened his mouth and said one word that made the whole illusion shatter.

“Lando,” he whispered, his swollen lips brushing against the boy in question, who then froze. There were a few seconds where neither of them moved, until Jake opened his eyes to find Lando staring at him, looking completely horrified. And that seemed to trigger something inside his brain.

He scrambled off Jake so hastily that he simply tumbled from his lap onto the floor, but he didn’t seem satisfied with the distance between them until he scooted backwards so his back was against the cupboard behind him, physically as far away from him as possible. He was panting, and he looked completely wrecked. His hair was a mess, and his face was bright red. Jake didn’t dare look down towards his crotch, but he knew what he would see there if he did. As bad as Lando looked, he was sure he was in a worse state.

His body felt cold know Lando was gone, like someone had opened the windows and all the warmth had disappeared from the room. And he felt a wave of guilt and humiliation wash over him as he realised how reckless everything he had just done was. Not only had he fucked with his own head, but he had probably confused Lando more than he could ever know. He should have pushed him away and said no while he still had his dignity.

“It’s okay,” was the first thing his brain supplied his mouth with. The last thing he wanted was Lando thinking that this was in anyway his own fault, or that he had done something wrong, “It’s okay.”

“I think you should go,” was all he said, and though he had looked on the verge of breaking down with regret just seconds ago, his face had returned to a relatively neutral expression, save for the blotchy flush that covered his cheeks.

“Lando don’t-,” Jake started, trying desperately to explain himself. He didn’t know how that sentence would end, but Lando interrupted him before he could find out. He couldn’t work out whether it was him that had freaked Lando out specifically, or just the dawning comprehension of what exactly he had been doing a few moments ago. Though he looked almost normal now, Jake thought he knew him well enough to see past that. But Lando seemed to have different ideas than letting him stay.

“Please!” he said, raising his voice a little, looking at a point on the wall over Jake’s shoulder rather than at him, “Just go.”

Those two words contained more emotion than Jake had heard from him in weeks, so he knew he couldn’t ignore him. He watched Lando as he got up and made his way towards the door, not wanting to feel like he was running away, but it was hard to push that particular feeling aside. Lando didn’t move a muscle, except to look down at the floor beside him.

And Jake didn’t say a single word as he let himself out of the truck and shut the door behind him.

***

Lando avoided him when they got to Hockenheim and Jake couldn’t blame him. What had happened in Austria was just a mistake, and Jake was torn between the need to apologise, and knowing that what he probably wanted was space. Luckily, he was pretty distracted with winning the Formula 3 title, and Jake was happy to see him smile, properly for once, and there was a sense of relief about him too, like a weight had been taken off his shoulders. He wondered just how much pressure he put on himself.

He decided that he would find a time to talk to him later, now he seemed to be in a better place. But finding a moment to get him alone was harder than he anticipated, considering that everyone wanted a word with and a picture with their new champion. It did give him more time to work out exactly what he was going to say. If anything he just wanted to get rid of the awkwardness that had settled between then. He didn’t like the way that every time Lando would look his way and Jake caught his gaze, he would glance away quickly, an uncomfortable expression settling over his face. They were supposed to be friends, and Jake felt that if he let this go on too long, then he was in danger of ruining that permanently.

At the trophy presentation and after party, Jake stood next to Callum in the crowd of people, as they both watched the top three collect their trophies. None of them look exceptionally thrilled, if anything they looked tired, it had been a long season after all.

“It’s killing Maxi to come runner up again,” Callum muttered suddenly, and Jake had to look at him to make sure that he was actually talking to him. He was still staring up at the stage, but there wasn’t anyone else around that he could have been addressing.

“It has to suck,” Jake agreed, and now that he looked at the tall German he saw that there was tension in every line of his body, and his smile was tight. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere other than on that stage with everyone staring at him. He couldn’t even look at Lando when he congratulated him.

He heard Callum sigh lightly, and did a bit of a double take when he saw the expression on his face. But he didn’t say anything. Not even when the first thing Maxi did when he finally got off the stage was search Callum out in the crowd. Jake decided that was his cue to leave.

He spotted Lando lingering just by the edge of the stage, looking at the trophy in his hands, ignoring Joel who was trying to talk to him. Before he could talk himself out of it, he marched over and stuck out his hands.

“Congrats,” he said, and there was a moment when Lando looked like a proverbial deer caught in headlights, but he remembered himself and took Jake’s hand, shaking it only a little uncertainly.

“Thank you,” he said, smiling a little, but looking like he was very confused by what Jake was doing. He was just grateful that Joel chose that moment to wander off. Jake could tell that Lando was bracing himself for a conversation about what happened in Spielberg. But honestly that was too complicated to even begin to think about. So he just carried on like there wasn’t this huge elephant in the room.

“You ready for Macau?” he asked, trying desperately to keep the conversation going, to get things back to normal.

“Um yeah, I’m looking forward to it. Be hard missing the first day though,” Lando nodded, tucking his trophy under his arm. His words made Jake frown, confused, and now he wasn’t just talking in a desperate attempt to get rid of the tension, but now just to find out what he meant.

“Why will you miss the first day?”

“Oh I’m going to Brazil to do tyre testing for McLaren,” he shrugged as Jake gaped at him.

“That’s a pretty long way to fly.”

“Yeah, but it’s worth it.”

“And you’ll be in Abu Dhabi for post-season testing as well?”

“Yeah. I’m going earlier though because I’m doing the last Formula 2 round.”

Jake eyebrows shot higher up his forehead, if that was even possible. Nothing about Lando’s voice or his face indicated that he thought this was a lot. If anything, he seemed to think it all totally necessary.

“How are you at coping with jetlag?” he joked, but Lando looked at him with steely determination.

“I’ll be fine.”

Jake was sure that through the sheer power of his determination that he would be alright. But beneath the super human ability to perform, he always thought there was something fragile underneath. Not that he thought he was unable to take care of himself, he just thought that he probably didn’t know when to stop.

He was about to say something else when he felt someone place their hand on his shoulder and he glanced behind to see that it was Ralf who was trying to get his attention. He didn’t tell him why he was needed, but just nodded in his in the direction of the opposite side of the room.

“One second,” Jake said, turning back to Lando to say goodbye.

“It’s alright, go,” he said, seeming to sense that Jake was about to excuse himself.

“Take care of yourself okay? I’ll see you in Abu Dhabi,” he tried to sound as serious as he could without coming across as too intense, as he resisted the urge to reach out and pat Lando on the shoulder. He knew that it was probably too soon after their encounter in Austria to cross that line. Even before that had happened he would have always let Lando initiate those kinds of things.

“Yeah. I’ll see you around,” Lando smiled, and there was a thoughtfulness to his voice that told Jake that he was already thinking about something else. He wondered if he had even taken heed of his warning at all.

It was that niggling doubt that made him send an impulsive text to his friend when he knew he’d be getting ready to fly out to São Paulo. It could have very easily been a stupid move, but he caved way too easily. Something he was sure was an after effect of what had happened in Spielberg, that was stopping him from regaining the previous self control he’d had where Lando was concerned.

_Safe flight, and good luck with that Honda engine that’s waiting for you there._

_if i ever get there that is._

Lando’s reply came very quickly, accompanied by a photo of his legs stretched out in what appeared to be an airport lounge, his feet resting on top of his suitcase.

_Don’t have too much fun without me in the glamorous world of Formula 1._

_i’ll try ;)_

The little emoji at the end of the message made him grin, but he hurried to wipe the smile from his face, even though no one was around to see his reaction. Jake contemplated sending another message, but he thought it best not to overdo it. The fact that he replied at all seemed to indicate that Lando had understood his desire to put the stupid things they’d done behind them. Because he really didn’t want to lose a friend over some stupid schoolboy crush.

When he heard about the cancelled tyre test he couldn’t help but pick up his phone again. He could just imagine how disappointed Lando would be, travelling all that way for nothing, and jeopardising his performance in Macau.

_Heard about the test, sorry about it mate, that must really suck._

_yeah :/_

_i get why they did it tho_

So did Jake, and he was glad that McLaren had chosen to put safety first. He wasn’t entirely sure why he was checking in on Lando, he was sure that he must have hundreds of people that would do that if he wanted. But he supposed one more couldn’t hurt.

_At least you get more time in Macau._

_yup. every cloud and all that. gonna be knackered by the time i get there_

_Just try sleeping on the plane. And failing that, inject yourself with caffeine._

_lmao_

_why does the 2nd option seem more realistic at this point_

_Maybe the jetlag will be your secret super power._

_god i hope so_

_I’ll be cheering you on._

_thx :)))))) x_

Jake switched his phone off and placed it face down on his bedside table before he could say anything too stupid.

Not being at Macau was already a blow enough to Jake. There was something special about that race. And to be stuck on the other side of the world, watching it with his laptop screen propped open on his chest was disheartening to say the least. Besides the longing to be racing again, he found himself watching Lando particularly carefully. But it was nearly impossible to tell how tired he was, or how he was feeling from the short shots of his face that he saw on his pixelated screen. Texting him to ask seemed out of the question.

After he watched him take second place on the podium, Jake did indulge and pick up his phone again.

_Well done on the second place. You did amazing._

It took Lando a couple of hours to reply. But he had expected that.

_thank you. should have been first tho._

_You can’t win them all._

_i’d like to_

_Well I’m still proud._

Lando didn’t reply to his last message, but he could see that he had read it. Jake busied himself with packing for Abu Dhabi rather than thinking about whether he had freaked Lando out.

***

Ordinarily, Jake considered himself a pretty laidback person. So the unfamiliar anxiety that gnawed at his stomach throughout the whole flight to Abu Dhabi took him by surprise. He could have put it down to the pressure of needing to prove himself. But really he felt fairly confident that he could do enough to impress the team. No, clearly that was related to something else. And that something else had an irritating knack for occupying his mind more than he would like.

It was nice to be around so many familiar faces when he arrived at the hotel, but he was yet to see the one that he couldn’t help but look out for whenever he entered a room. He tried not to let his anxiety show, but he was sure that Callum had figured out that something was up with him. His fellow Brit had been almost glued to his side since he’d gotten there, maybe due to the unfamiliarity of the GP3 paddock and knowing that Jake knew what he was doing. That was until Günther showed up at last minute for Formula 2 testing, and he suddenly seemed far more interested in his Prema teammate. Jake didn’t mind being pushed aside so much, not when he finally spotted Lando walking into the shared GP3 and F2 hospitality for lunch on the first day of testing. He excused himself from the conversation he was having with George and Alex, walking over to where his friend was pouring himself a coffee.

“Hey. Long time no see,” Jake said, picking up a cup for himself. A poor attempt at making it seem as though he hadn’t come over just to say hello to Lando. He was sure that if George and Alex had paid attention to where he had he had gone then they would have been rolling their eyes right about now.

Still pouring his drink Lando glanced up and Jake hoped that the little double take he did wasn’t too obvious. If he was being totally honest, he looked like shit. There was a deep look of exhaustion on his face, topped off by prominent dark bruises under his eyes, and his face looked tighter and more drawn than it had before. Though it had only been a couple of week since he had last seen him, Jake could swear that he looked skinnier. He understood why the espresso he was getting was necessary. The sight of him made his heart lurch a little.

“Hi,” Lando smiled, moving away so Jake could fill up his own cup. Jake busied himself with the machine, trying to think of something to say other than the fact that Lando looked like he needed to sleep for several days. He took a slow sip before speaking.

“Well done for Macau by the way.”

Lando’s face fell a little. And Jake hated that he looked disappointed.

“Thanks,” he still managed to say.

He was pulled away quickly by an excited Ferdinand, giving Jake barely a second to say goodbye. He kept an eye out for him throughout the three days, something he was sure he would have done anyway, but could now pretend was done out of concern for his wellbeing. That was part of it, but the reality also was that his crush was surely getting worse rather than better.

The next time he saw him alone was in the airport lounge, as he waited to board his flight home. Lando was sat on one of those chairs, slouched down so he was almost horizontal, his chin resting on his chest, staring at his phone in his hands. He looked up as Jake approached, smiling, but not sitting up. Jake doubted he had the energy.

“You getting the eleven o’clock flight too?” Jake asked, wheeling his suitcase next to Lando’s and taking the seat next to him. He took a couple of seconds to answer, because he was too preoccupied with stifling a yawn.

“Mhm,” he nodded, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

“God Lando, you look fucking exhausted,” Jake couldn’t stop himself from saying this time. The three days packed full of testing clearly hadn’t done his energy levels any good.

“I’m fine. We have a long haul flight for me to catch up on sleep,” he shrugged, finally sitting up and putting his phone in his pocket. Jake raised his eyebrow, remembering the time Lando had told him that he couldn’t sleep on flights no matter how hard he tried.

“Got any nice plans for when we get home? Besides sleeping,” he asked, reaching into the bag beside him and pulling out a packet of crisps, which he opened and offered some to Lando.

“Got some things to go to in London later in the week. Maybe some McLaren stuff too. But not really much until Daytona. I’ll have the house to myself, so I can sleep to my heart’s content then,” he said, reaching his hand into the bag and taking a generous helping. He proceeded to practically shovel them into his mouth, clearly starving. Jake couldn’t help himself from laughing at him.

“Anyone would think you hadn’t eaten in weeks,” he chuckled, simply handing the bag to Lando as it became clear that he wasn’t going to get any.

“Well I have been busy,” Lando mumbled, looking sheepish. Jake gave him a disparaging look, wondering how on earth he was still functioning as a normal human being. He didn’t want to seem patronising, but he just seemed to worry about him more with every word that came out of his mouth.

An idea struck him, and he was sure it was terrible, but he also didn’t care in that moment when he looked at the boy sat next to him.

“I was just thinking, if you have to be in London later in the week, and you can say no don’t worry. But my house is closer to the airport, and you know, it might be good not to be alone,” Jake scratched the back of his neck, well aware that his face had turned steadily pink as he’d spoken. As soon as Lando has realised what he was offering, his head had turned towards him, and he suddenly looked a lot more awake. His expression was one of surprise, and Jake could sense his indecision over what to say.

“I, uh…that would be really nice,” he finally said as he found his voice. And Jake was equally surprised at his answer. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever heard Lando accept help or charity from someone else, not that he often had to. So he was fully prepared to have his offer rejected.

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes, it’s a yes.”

Jake didn’t see Lando for the duration of the flight, as they were sat on opposite sides of the plane, but when he met him by the luggage carousel he could tell that he hadn’t slept at all, unlike Jake. It was freezing as they trudged to his car, the dark car park almost completely empty seeing as it was the early hours of the morning. Jake hauled both of their cases into the boot as Lando got into the passenger seat. When he got in the driver’s side, Lando was just staring out of the windscreen with a blank expression on his face, and if his eyes hadn’t been opened than Jake would have been sure that he was asleep. He was feeling fairly tired himself after all the travelling, so he couldn’t imagine how Lando was faring.

“You okay?” he asked, pausing before he started the engine.

“Yep, yeah,” Lando said softly, turning to him looking a little dazed as he blinked slowly, “How far away do you live?”

“Only about half an hour, probably less, there won’t be any traffic.”

Lando nodded, seemingly satisfied with the answer and he reached across to turn on the radio as Jake pulled out of the car park. He didn’t even complain as Lando incessantly changed the station all through the drive home, though it was beginning to drive him a little crazy as he pulled into the driveway of his building. He just figured it was a desperate attempt to keep himself conscious.

“Which one’s the bedroom?” was the first thing Lando asked when Jake let him into his flat. He just pointed towards the door on the right as he wheeled their suitcases into the small living room-cum-kitchen. The clock on the microwave flashed in the dim light of the room, letting him know that it was almost one in the morning. He sighed wearily, going to pour himself a glass of water which he drank thirstily, refilling it afterwards so he could give it to Lando, who had gone into his bedroom and failed to reappear.

When he opened the door he soon saw why that was. Lando had clearly thrown himself onto one side of the bed and fallen asleep almost immediately, still fully dressed and on top of the covers. Jake just smiled at him fondly, and placed the glass down on the bedside table. He looked at his friend and thought that it was probably too cruel to wake him. Gently, he did kneel down to pull off his shoes, making sure he didn’t disturb him. He also managed to find a spare blanket from his wardrobe and draped that over him. Evidently more tired than he realised, Jake found himself running a hand through his hair, brushing it out of his face before he caught himself and snatched his hand away. There was something about doing that whilst Lando slept that made him feeling oddly guilty.

He would swear that he had every intention of sleeping on the sofa. But it was freezing in his flat, and once he kicked off his shoes he couldn’t resist climbing underneath his duvet and burrowing his head underneath, letting himself succumb to the sleep that came all too easily.

It was the sunlight that woke him up several hours later, and for a moment he forgot that he wasn’t alone. That was until he heard the soft sounds of Lando’s breathing and he turned over to see his face peeking out from beneath the blanket. His face was almost completely relaxed now that he was asleep and he looked more at ease than Jake had seen him recently. There was a familiar pang in his chest as he watched him for a few moments that he tried desperately to ignore, but couldn’t no matter how hard he tried. Before he could do anything reckless, he rolled out of his side of the bed, looking back once to check that he hadn’t woken Lando. But he still lay there sound asleep. Which was how he wanted to leave him for as long as possible.

In the time Lando kept sleeping Jake managed to unpack almost all of his belongings, and had done most of his washing, of which there was rather a lot. He’d made himself breakfast, though it was past lunchtime by the time he’d gotten up, and caught up on his emails. He was just scrolling through his phone aimlessly when he saw that it was nearly four in the afternoon and wondered how hunger hadn’t woken Lando up yet. He knew jetlag took a long time to sleep off but he was a strong believer that food was important too. When he poked his head around the door to his bedroom he saw that Lando was still dozing, though he was now sprawled on his back diagonally across the bed, the blanket lying beside him rather than around him.

Jake wasn’t exactly a master chef, but he figured he couldn’t go wrong with a sandwich, and making it would also buy Lando a few extra minutes in bed. Eventually he had to wake him though. He did so after he placed the plate down on the bedside table.

Gently shaking Lando he watched as he blinked a few times, groaning as he rolled over to see who was disturbing him. For a few seconds he looked confused to see Jake there, but then he seemed to remember that he wasn’t in his own bed, or his own home.

“You were really out cold there,” Jake laughed as Lando rubbed his face, trying to sit up.

“How long did I sleep for?” Lando asked him, his voice slow and sleepy.

“A good fourteen hours or so.”

“ _Christ_ ,” Lando laughed, shaking his head in partial disbelief, “I must have been tired.”

“Yeah. I made you something to eat though,” Jake picked the plate up off the table and handed it to Lando who took it eagerly.

“Thanks I’m starving,” he grinned looking at the sandwich like it was the best thing he had ever laid eyes on. He took a huge bite out of it, moaning and closing his eyes in a satisfied sort of way. It made Jake laugh and he watched as Lando polished off the sandwich in what had to be record time. He could tell that his mammoth nap had done him some good, his whole demeanour just looked brighter and there was colour back in his cheeks – but that may have had something to do with the sandwich as well.

Once he had finished eating and placed the plate to the side, Lando seemed to have had time to overthink the whole situation and an awkward expression had clouded over his face. Jake wondered if he was beginning to regret taking him up on his offer, and he wondered if maybe it had been too much to offer in the first place.

“Thank you, by the way, for letting me stay,” he said quietly, looking down at his lap. He looked a little nervous, like Jake was suddenly going to change his mind and ask him to leave.

“It’s no problem. Sometimes it’s weird here on my own,” Jake smiled, trying to let Lando know that he wasn’t being a burden, without saying so out right. Lando returned the smile but he still seemed unsure. But the last thing Jake wanted him to do was retreat into himself, especially if he was still beating himself up over Macau.

He succeeded in getting Lando take a shower, and then together they tried to tackle the mountain of washing that he had carted with him across the world from Brazil, China and Abu Dhabi. The process mostly involved Lando throwing horrible smelling fireproofs at Jake instead of stuffing them in the washing machine where they belonged. He wasn’t much help but it was good to see him genuinely laughing. By the time they were finished most of the surfaces in his flat were covered in wet clothes, and every room smelt like detergent and fabric softener. They also realised that Lando didn’t have any clean clothes apart from pyjamas, so he was sat on Jake’s sofa wearing a pair of chequered pyjama pants and one of Jake’s team shirts from Hitech, faded from wear and overuse. He was sat cross-legged, a huge bowl of pasta balanced on his lap – he had insisted that he make dinner as repayment, but mac and cheese turned out to be the only thing he really knew how to cook, but Jake appreciated the effort.

“Do you want to pick what to watch?” Jake asked, handing the remote to Lando as he sat back down after plugging his laptop into the TV, Netflix now showing on the small screen. He could see Lando about to protest so he added, “You’re the guest.”

“Okay,” he said, chewing a mouthful of food. He picked up the remote and Jake watched his eyes narrow in concentration as he flicked through the options on the screen. There was a small smile on his face and his usually curly hair was even messier than usual as he’d let it air dry after his shower. Lando turned to him and looked surprised to find Jake already staring.

“Is the film not okay?” he asked, glancing back at the screen, clearly assuming that he had been looking at him because of that. Jake stammered, turning towards the TV to actually see what film he had picked, because he didn’t have a clue, so preoccupied had he been with counting the freckles on Lando’s face. He fought hard to maintain what he hoped was a neutral expression.

“No, no, it’s fine,” he said, smiling when he watched the familiar title sequence of Star Wars scroll up the screen.

“ _Okay…_ ” Lando said slowly, like he didn’t quite believe him, or maybe he just thought he was acting weird – which really he was.

It was hard to ignore the tension that settled over them as they sat side by side watching the film. Jake wondered if it was just his imagination, or whether it was something Lando could feel too. After Macau last year and Spielberg, it was impossible to argue that there wasn’t something going on, but they seemed to have come to an unspoken agreement that they wouldn’t talk about it. And though Jake had resolved to simply ignoring any feelings he might have had going on, he could easily not act on them, but pretending they weren’t there was a lot harder. Sometimes it hurt to just see there with a million and one conflicting emotions firing around inside his chest. But he knew admitting them was out of the question. Lando wasn’t the emotions type anyway, even if Jake thought he might have felt the same way he was sure that he would have decided that he had too much to focus on to complicate things with something as trivial as dating.

“Thank you again,” Lando said when they were almost an hour into the film, and his words made Jake realise that he had been staring again. Fighting away the blush he looked down at the space between them on the sofa instead.

“It’s alright, I told you already.”

“I know, I just…I’m not really used to people looking after me, you know,” Lando sounded a little embarrassed as he spoke, and when Jake glanced up he saw that he was squirming, like it made him nervous to admit that he needed someone. Jake just smiled at him, trying to diffuse the heavier mood which had settled over them.

“Aw come on, you might be annoying, and annoyingly good at beating me, but I still care about you,” he shrugged, picking up their empty bowls and carrying them over to the sink. He contemplated washing them now, but decided that he would just leave them for the morning. When he turned to sit back down he saw Lando staring at him with wide eyes, his face flushed an even deeper shade of red. The look on his face made Jake stop dead in his tracks, caught in his stare.

“What?” he asked warily as Lando continued to blink at him.

“No one’s ever said that to me before,” he said, sounding a little awestruck. Jake walked back over to the sofa slowly, watching Lando still stare at him as he sat down beside him. Nothing he had said had struck him as particularly extraordinary.

“Said what?”

“That they care about me.”

Then it was Jake’s turn to blush. But he tried to brush it off.

“Well you’re my friend, of course I do. I’m sure you have plenty of people who care about you,” he tried to turn his attention back to the film that was still playing in the background but it was hard to concentrate with Lando still sat there gawking at him. His words seemed to give him something to think about, because he sat back frowning, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Sometimes I think people care more about what I am than who I am,” he mumbled, his voice just loud enough to hear over the movie. And Jake didn’t really know what to say to that. If it had been anyone else he might have been tempted to give them a hug, and because it was Lando the temptation to do that was even stronger. Which was precisely why he couldn’t do it.

There was a second when Lando looked like he was about to say something else but he clearly changed his mind and settled down again to watch the film. Jake felt like he should say something about what Lando had just said, but no words ever came.

***

Lando ended up staying at Jake’s for the few days leading up the Autosport Awards at the end of the week. It had the potential to feel a little weird, but so long as Jake didn’t think about it too hard then it was actually quite nice.

Jake had offered to drive him into London, but Lando had insisted on getting the train to the hotel he was staying at overnight. Though he did promise to call if he needed anything, something he had only half jokingly.

Not that Jake actually expected him to take him up on that offer, and he was more confused than anything when the sound of his ringtone woke him up at around two in the morning. He contemplated leaving it to go to voicemail, that was until he saw Lando’s name on the screen. Unless he was just being stupid, and there was a chance of that, he was fairly sure that he wouldn’t call him unless he actually needed him.

“Lando?” he said as he placed the phone to his ear, his voice cracking as he tried to clear his throat. He squinted as he reached over to turn on the lamp on his bedside table, blinking as he tried to adjust to the sudden light.

“Jaaaaake,” Lando’s voice sounded higher than usual, and he seemed to be trying to fight off a fit of giggles. Jake groaned flopping back down on his pillow when he realised that Lando was just drunk, he really was too tired for this.

“What do you want?” he asked not caring that his voice sounded more than a little grumpy and snappy.

“I need your help,” came the answer, his voice a little whining now.

“With what?” he asked, rubbing his face as he fought to not fall back to sleep before he hung up the phone.

“I, I…I need you to pick me up. I don’t know where I am,” he whined, and Jake could almost picture the pout on his face. Then his sleep-addled mind registered what he had actually said and he sat up, frowning, feeling the first roots of worry taking hold.

“What do you mean? Are you on your own?” he asked, already in the process of getting of bed, no longer irritated by the unwelcome wake up call.

“Uh…yeah. I wasn’t, but I am now.”

“Okay, alright, I’m coming,” Jake said, nodding even though Lando couldn’t see him, picking up a t-shirt off the floor and glancing around to see if he could spot his car keys, “Did you say you didn’t know where you are?”

“Yeah,” Lando replied, as though that wasn’t a problem if Jake wanted to find him somewhere in the middle of central London. Though clearly he understood that being stranded on the streets on a freezing December night wasn’t a smart idea, he didn’t seem to grasp that it was a potentially dangerous predicament to be stuck in.

“Okay,” he said trying not to sound exasperated, “Do you think you could get somewhere where I can pick you up?”

“Yeah I can do that.”

And with that, Lando promptly hung up. Sighing, Jake tried to call him back but the phone simply rang out. If he had been a little bit worried before now he was in danger of entering full panic mode. Though he knew Lando wasn’t an idiot, quite the opposite really, he was well versed in the stupid things he liked to get up to when he was pissed. And it didn’t help that it was almost below zero outside, even if he was fine, if he was stuck outside it couldn’t exactly be very nice. Even he was shivering in the t-shirt and hoodie he had thrown on.

Just as he was getting in his car, figuring that he could at least start driving in the general direction of where he thought Lando would be, his phone buzzed as he received a text. He looked at it quickly before he started the engine and saw that Lando had sent him a photo of a tube station. It was blurry, but he could just make out the name of the station, thankfully. He texted a quick reply telling Lando that he would be half an hour tops.

The roads were almost empty at that time of night, save for the occasional taxi and straggler by the side of the road. He was almost there when the heavens opened, the rain bouncing of the pavement under the light of the orange streetlights. Somehow he doubted that Lando had the wherewithal to seek shelter. And sure enough, when he finally pulled up outside of Victoria station he could just make out the small figure of Lando sat on the side of the pavement, his feet in the gutter, the rain pounding down on his back.

He flashed his lights a couple of times to get his attention, and through the rain and the darkness he could see Lando look up and shakily get to his feet, stumbling towards the car, practically falling into the passenger seat. Though he was clearly still feeling the effects of the alcohol, Jake would bet that he was considerably soberer than he had been when he called him, probably because he looked frozen to the bone and his hair was dripping water all over his face.

“You couldn’t have waited inside?” he asked him, not hiding the exasperation in his voice. He wasn’t sure why he felt so annoyed, maybe it had something to do with the fact that he should have been wrapped up in bed where he was warm and fast asleep. It was probably more likely to do with the fact that Lando had worried him more than he would have liked to admit.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, trying to take off his sodden jacket, and Jake didn’t miss the way his hands shook as he fiddled with the buttons.

“What the hell were you even thinking?!” the incredulous question slipped out before Jake could really think about what he was saying, “Wandering around in the freezing cold, in the middle of your night, _on your own_ is a pretty stupid idea.”

“Relax, I haven’t even been on my own for that long. I just lost George and Charles in some bar,” he grumbled sounding very defensive as he finally got his jacket off and tossed it onto the back seat. Though he was in a bit of a mood with him, Jake still reached over to turn the heating up.

“Couldn’t you have tried calling them?”

“I don’t know; I didn’t think of that I was drunk.”

“ _Exactly!_ You weren’t yourself, something could have happened to you,” Jake didn’t know why he was arguing, but the way Lando didn’t seem to realise that he had done something stupid just irked him more. Lando turned to glare at him, looking rather worked up.

“I’m not a fucking child Jake, okay?! I can take care of myself!” he shouted, slamming his fists down on his thighs.

“I know you’re not! But sometimes I wonder if you’re not trying to get yourself killed!” he shouted back, knowing he should probably reign it in but not finding it within himself to.

“What are you talking about?!”

“Oh I don’t know,” Jake said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “The fact that you go ahead and agree to more than you can handle and then the next time I see you, you look like you haven’t slept or eaten properly in weeks.”

Lando just glared at him, his mouth pressed together in a tight line, like he was holding himself back from shouting again. Jake could feel the utter frustration that he always felt when he saw Lando treating himself like this building up inside him again. He knew it was because it hurt him to see Lando like this, and part of his frustrations were that he didn’t want to feel that way. But he did, and he cared so much that it drove him a little mad.

“You just work way too hard, and you don’t seem to realise that you’re hurting yourself by doing so. I know you want to do well and I know you want to win, but you have to take care of yourself too o-or-!” Jake found that he didn’t have the words to finish that sentence, and it didn’t matter anyway, because Lando interrupted him before he could figure out what to say.

“I know okay?!” he snapped, as he ran his hands through his wet hair, clutching at handfuls of it, when he repeated himself his voice was quieter, “I know okay?”

Like he was a piece of paper in someone’s hand, Jake watched Lando crumple, folding in on himself, his face screwing up like he was in physical pain. There was something that felt inherently wrong about watching Lando cry. He just didn’t cry, the closest Jake had ever seen him to tears was when he had found him outside his truck in Austria, but even then he had held it together. Jake froze, unsure of what to do, just watching Lando’s small torso shudder and the car filled with the sounds of his ugly sobbing.

For one horrible moment he thought it was what he had said that had upset him.

“ _Shit_. Hey mate, I didn’t mean it like that,” he stuttered quietly, still a little taken aback by Lando’s reaction. But he wasn’t sure if Lando heard him. He kept his head cocooned in the crook of his arms, curling in on himself, sniffing loudly.

“Lando,” he whispered, terrified that he hated him, that he had ruined something before it had even begun. Cautiously, he reached out one hand and placed it on his back, feeling the bumps of his spine beneath his touch. He could hear and feel how his breaths rattled in his chest as he wrestled to get himself under control.

His touch seemed to get his attention and Lando looked upwards, wiping his face on the already damp sleeves of his shirt. He took a deep, shaky breath, but even when he spoke his voice broke, unable to hold back the onslaught of tears.

“No, no, it’s not you. Y-you’re right, you’re so right.”

He covered his face with his hands again, like he couldn’t look at Jake. And he was sure that his heart broke a little bit seeing him like that. He still didn’t know what to say or do to make it better. He didn’t know if he could.

The interior light inside his car timed out and flicked off, leaving them in almost total darkness, but Jake could still make out Lando’s silhouette trembling not just from the cold. Still scared he was going to do the wrong thing Jake reached across and found his hands where they still covered his face. Slowly he pulled them away, and from the light of the shops and streetlights he could see where the tear tracks shined on his face, and that his eyes still brimmed with unshed tears. His hands were freezing in Jake’s, and he could tell that he wanted nothing more than to look away, or run away. Sure it was a bad idea, but driven by an all-consuming need to help, he let go of Lando’s hands so he could use his thumbs to wipe at his cheeks, brushing his tears away. He tried not to think about how soft his skin felt beneath his palms, but instead focused on drying his face, moving slowly and methodically, before he reached up to wipe away the wet hair that was stuck to his forehead. He could see Lando swallowing hard, and he hiccupped a little. He opened his mouth and Jake could see the apology that sat on the tip of his tongue.

“It’s okay,” he said before he could get the words out, “You don’t have to apologise.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Lando whispered, and maybe the darkness helped him admit that, but his voice still sounded so small. It probably wasn’t helpful to his emotional state that he was drunk, but Jake knew that he wasn’t just rambling. It took a lot of honesty and courage on his part to even admit that.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to think about that now,” Jake said, not wanting Lando to work himself up even more than he already had.

A small, almost pitiful sob worked it ways up his throat and a single fat tear work its way down Lando’s cheek. He used his thumb to wipe it away, and watched Lando close his eyes, like he was steadying himself. Jake knew that he was treading dangerous ground as they sat there, his hands cupping Lando’s face. He sincerely hoped that he couldn’t see the expression on his face, scared that it might be betraying everything he felt inside at that moment.

“Help me. Please,” Lando said, not opening his eyes. Jake’s heart clenched at that, and he tried to keep his voice steady when he answered.

“Of course I will.”

He knew then that he was screwed, and he couldn’t see a way back from this mess that he’d gotten his heart tangled up in.

If he expected anything at all, it was rejection. He didn’t expect Lando to lean in, so close that Jake could smell the rainwater in his hair and the alcohol on his breath. It took every ounce of willpower in his body not to close the distance between them. He didn’t want this if it was just Lando’s way of dealing with more complicated emotions than lust. It was his turn to ask something of Lando.

“Please don’t do this if you don’t mean it,” he said quietly, his voice surprisingly calm. And he could only hope that Lando understood what he meant. Because when he kissed him, there wasn’t a part of him that was strong enough to pull away. Even if he was being used, he didn’t care, he couldn’t bring himself to. Not when kissing him was the only thing he ever wanted to do when they were alone together.

It wasn’t comfortable leaning with the gear stick pressing into his stomach and the seatbelt digging into his shoulder, but the slow and gentle way Lando kissed him was like everything he had imagined. Moving his hands to the back of Lando’s neck he pulled him in, needing to have him closer, not caring how desperate it seemed. Lando let him deepen the kiss, his hands ghosting across along Jake’s arms, but otherwise keeping to himself. Jake wondered if he could feel how much it blew his mind to get to kiss him the way he had wanted to for so long. Maybe Lando didn’t need to feel it in the hungry way he moved his lips, maybe he had already worked it out, maybe he had always known.

Finally finding a small shred of strength he pulled away, trying not to cringe at the way he gasped when they broke apart. He managed to drop his hands from Lando’s face, and went to pull away completely, but Lando caught him by the shoulder, holding him still. With a softness he was sure only Lando could manage, he leant in and pressed his lips to Jake’s, a feather light touch that still made Jake’s eyes flutter shut and his heart pound. By the time he opened his eyes Lando had moved away and was sitting in his seat looking ahead out of the windscreen. Jake took a moment to steady himself before he started the car.

Neither of them said a word on the way home. Nor did they speak as they trudged up the stairs to Jake’s flat. Lando only murmured a soft ‘thank you’ when Jake gave him a pair of pyjamas to wear. And that night Jake did take the spare blanket and slept on the sofa. He did more tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling than sleeping. But he had plenty of thinking to do if he was going to figure stuff out.

***

The next morning when he woke up after a couple of hours of sleep the only conclusion he had come to was that he needed to talk to Lando if he was going to understand what they should do. But there were no signs of life from the bedroom. So rather than waking him up Jake busied himself with making coffee and eggs, the same way he would any morning, though making enough for two people on this occasion. He was almost finished when Lando appeared at the doorway, hovering on the threshold like he wasn’t sure whether he should enter. There was something endearing about the way he stood there shuffling, looking tiny in Jake’s clothes which were far too big for him. He almost looked childlike, but Jake knew there was something stronger and harder underneath all that.

“I made coffee,” he said, breaking the silence. He reached behind him and filled up a cup, placing it on the counter as he finished up making the eggs. He could hear Lando fetching the milk from the fridge and the sugar from the cupboard before taking his coffee to sit down at the small table.

A few minutes later Jake placed a plate of eggs and toast in front of him, taking a seat opposite him. Lando looked tired, like he had just woken up; his hair was a mess and he was pouting into his mug, an expression that Jake knew meant he was thinking hard.

“I’m sorry for being such a mess last night,” he finally said, speaking to his eggs rather than to Jake.

“Don’t be,” Jake shook his head, placing his knife and fork down, the sound catching Lando’s attention, and when he was sure he was looking at him he added, “I just want you to be okay.”

Lando closed his eyes for a fleeting second, swallowing hard, like he was trying to absorb Jake’s words.

“I want that too,” he said, opening his eyes again and continuing to eat his food, still not meeting Jake’s eyes.

Jake was desperate to talk about what had happened in the car last night. He knew there was no denying his feelings now. Though he hadn’t said anything, it was so plain for Lando to see. But he didn’t want to push anything, still so aware that he could scare him away at any moment.

In the end he suggested taking a walk, feeling like it would be helpful to escape the confines of his cramped flat. It was how him and Lando ended up walking along the riverside, both of them bundled up against the howling wind and biting air. Jake thought Lando looked a little funny with his face poking up from beneath a scarf he had saved from a football match he’d gone to years ago, but he also wished he had one of his own. He had to content himself with stuffing his hands as far into his pockets as they would go.

He knew that there was little chance of getting Lando to talk first. And he also knew that he probably owed it to him to explain what on earth was going on in his head.

“I guess I should tell you something,” Jake started as the two of them walked along the small path, out of the corner of his eye he could see Lando look up at him, but he kept his eyes ahead of him, “I like you, a lot. And yes, I like you as a friend too, but this is more than that. I might even love you, if I let myself.”

He hadn’t even thought about those last few words, but when he said them, he knew they were true. Though his uncertainty surrounding Lando’s feelings stopped himself from giving in entirely, he could see he was teetering on the edge of that particular cliff.

“But you already knew that didn’t you?” Jake added, finally looking at Lando who was watching him with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Yeah I did,” he admitted.

Jake had only figured out that morning that Lando had known about his feelings all along. Of course he did, there was little that got past him. And as much as Jake might have thought he was being guarded and subtle, Lando was smarter than he gave him credit for. That was why Lando hadn’t never hesitated to open up to him, however slightly, or to come to him when he needed help, because he knew Jake could not say no, that he could not push him away.

“Since when?”

“Since Silverstone. When you talked about Macau, I could just see it on your face when you brought it up. You wanted me to say that we should do it again, that I wanted it to be more than just a kiss,” Lando said, and Jake blushed at how easily he was able to read him, but he wasn’t finished talking yet, “I wanted to say all those things too.”

Jake stopped in his tracks. Though a small part of him had been hopeful, especially after the kiss in his car. He had never truly been prepared for Lando reciprocating his feelings.

“You did?” he asked, his voice cracking. Lando stopped walking too, and turned to face him. His face was mostly expressionless, but when he moved to push the scarf out of the way of his mouth, Jake saw that his hands were shaking.

“Yeah. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. I didn’t _really_ know how I felt, I just knew it wasn’t…well, you know. I don’t know, I thought I could just ignore them, that it wasn’t a big deal. I told myself I didn’t need all that. That it would just complicate things, make it harder to focus on what I had to do. There was a lot going on in my head that I was trying to ignore, not just about you, and I just wanted to pretend that none of that existed. I thought that was what I was supposed to do, that those things were just a distraction and would make me weak or something,” he shrugged, and turn away from Jake slightly so they could start walking again.

“Feeling things doesn’t make you a bad competitor Lando,” Jake said softly, aware that this was the first time Lando had properly and fully opened up to him, not wanting to break the tension of the moment.

“I know that really. It was just something stupid that I told myself. I’ve never been very good at dealing with well, feelings,” he laughed a little, but it was humourless, “I don’t know how to talk about them at all.”

“You’re doing a pretty good job right now,” Jake tried a small smile, and felt his heart swell a little when Lando returned it.

“Thanks,” he sighed a little before he continued talking, “I knew you still felt the same way. But I thought you’d get over it and move on eventually. In some ways I wanted you to.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Jake admitted, watching as Lando flushed pink, his cheeks now the same colour as his cold nose.

“I’m glad you didn’t,” he said, his voice barely audible over the sound of the wind.

“It’s not too late you know, to tell me how you feel.”

“I suppose not.”

Jake grinned a little, feeling a warmth in his chest that definitely had nothing to do with the temperature of the air around them.

“So, you like me?”

“Yes.”

“You like me rather a lot?” Jake teased.

“Yes,” Lando laughed a little, rolling his eyes.

“I drive you crazy because I’m just so damn irresistible?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, I never said that.”

“But you’re thinking it,” Jake pointed out and the deepening blush on Lando’s cheeks gave him away.

“Shut up,” he mumbled, attempting to punch Jake on the arm. Jake caught his hand before he could and used it to pull him closer, pressing their cold lips together. He knew it had the potential to be too much, but they were practically alone, and he knew that he needed it when he felt Lando almost melt beneath the touch.

Lando pulled away after a few seconds, glancing around like he wanted to check that they really were alone. When he was satisfied he grabbed Jake’s face between his hands, and he kissed him, open-mouthed and desperately. Jake could feel how he smiled as he did so, and there was an electric enthusiasm about him in that moment. He found it impossible to stop himself from smiling too.

“Come on, let’s go home,” he said, grinning so wide his cheeks ached.


End file.
